Catching up

If I had to name my most prominent feeling lately I would name it disgust. I'm disgusted about how I look, feel, and especially smell. I've been watching it for a few weeks and now that I've had a full 24 hours without grandkids, I've realized that it's all part of the shame. The shame that one picks up when you're young and feel alone, unwanted, and unworthy.

So, having realized why I've been feeling that way, I've decided to take my own advice and accept that all the challenges of my life have made me who I am. I'm going to believe in my worth and value as much as possible, no matter how I smell.

Cousin Ted has reminded me that we have a finite number of days to get it all sorted, so I can't afford to waste any waiting for a treatment that hopefully will help me recover. I'm gonna start recovery while I'm waiting, and continue, and continue.

I had a session with my massage therapist today, and I cried during most of it. Not because I was in pain, but rather because she was able to help me let go of some grief and anger that's been trapped in my body for decades. I'm so grateful for her, and the most important lesson I've learned from her is not to force it, but gently let it go. She's a treasure!

I shopped today for clothes to wear to Ted's funeral, because nothing fits me, but I was selective and got 2 pair of pants and 4 tops for $130., tax included. I'm worth it! Much as I don't like that I'm buying larger clothes, it feels good to have a few things that fit and are comfortable.

I think it's a reflection of my decision that I ate well today, not just sporadically, but all day. Later tonight or tomorrow might be different, but one step at a time. I even rinsed a half carton of ice cream down the drain, so I wouldn't eat it. Again, I might still buy more later, but I won't eat that one!

I'm late for baseball with Tim's gang so catch you later.
Love, elly (I'm worth it!)