What's going on?

I've decided, for several reasons, to describe as accurately as possible, what's been going on for me. One reason is that saying it out loud, by writing it down, helps me to gain clarity about it. The other thing is that I'd like to have as much awareness as possible before I start the EMDR treatment Friday.

Let me start by saying that it's a very visceral experience for me. It feels like the things I'm experiencing are in the cells of my body, and as such, are inescapable. I have some thoughts about why that is, but can't seem to get it into words. More accurately, I'm too afraid to.

Intellectually, I know that I'm blessed with many people in my life who love me. However, I'm having difficulty accessing that information, so I don't feel that love in my body. It's almost as if my brain and my body are not communicating. I think that's why it's different with my little ones, because they squeeze me, and kiss me, laughing and talking, slamming into my body with their big personalities, so my body can't ignore them. They make the connection between brain and body for me.

It's the same with other activities like work or household duties, self care, and self esteem. There's lots of evidence that I'm good at my job, a functioning adult, capable of taking care of myself, and that people in my life appreciate and value my contributions. However, the amount of anxiety that I won't be able to do whatever it takes to do something as simple as renewing my health card, is mind boggling. So I do little bits of things, and when I start to feel scared or overwhelmed, I switch to something else, read or play games to distract myself, sleep to disappear, or eat to numb myself. I survive from moment to moment.

That's not to say that I'm totally without resources though. I've figured out that if I pay twice as much for the bills when they're due, that I don't have to face paying them as often. If I can't get out of bed to the pool, I keep trying to get out for a walk. If I wake up during the night with disturbing thoughts or memories, I read, so that I'm not stuck in the Shit. This still means I'm tired in the morning, but not as anxious or agitated. If I have 3 nights in a row that I don't sleep well, I take a sleeping pill, so that the anxiety isn't exacerbated by fatigue. If people ask and sincerely seem to want to know how I'm doing, I tell them. If not, I try to reach out to people who I know care, so I can have a sort of reality check with them. I'm trying to blog a bit earlier so that I'm not too tired to put some reasonable thoughts together. I've also dug out some old cards that I used years ago when I was doing counseling and am using them to give myself positive affirmations. That's why I'm including part of that at the end of every post. I'm trying to focus on one thing every day to relearn that positive self talk.

So, last night after I blogged, my anxiety went through the roof. There seems to be no rhyme or reason for the timing of it. It just is. However, I was able to dig out the form I needed for my health card, and simultaneously discovered that my licence was also due for renewal. This morning I took both forms to Service Ontario, and didn't even get to sit down before my number was called. Done and done. I got to the pool and took the dogs out for a walk. Done and done. I was able to have a visit with my friend Lee this afternoon and return her recumbent bike that I borrowed to try last year. Done. This post was the last thing that I had for my goals today. Done.

In the moments that I feel grounded, I'm extremely grateful for each one of you.

In spite of everything, I'm glad that I'm a woman; a woman with awareness that there are some small parts of me that feel more male than female.
Love, elly