from a little muddled to a little maudlin

Playing hooky for a few days simply and quickly reminds me why I do this, to stay connected to what's really going on inside. I had some anxiety today, brought on by some last minute shopping, which only troubles me when I'm already a bit maudlin.

I think the reason for that is that I've been thinking about the fact that it's been a year since Bernie left. He told me some time ago that he was going to respond to my letter to him, which is what triggered his decision to leave. He hasn't done that and while I've accepted his decision, I'm still heartbroken about it. Part of me wants to ask him again to do it and I've gone over that scenario several times in my head. I always come to the same conclusion, and that's that it's one of those letters that can be written but not sent. I need to let it go, so I'm working on it.

He sent me a "merry Christmas and happy New year to you and yours" text today that felt awful, like something you would say to a stranger. I guess that's really what I am...

I finally changed the beneficiary on my life insurance, after a year, and have one more to do; maybe next year, eh?

I spent a wonderful day with all 5 Crowe kids and their parents at the water park. It was fabulous! Next year I'm going to figure out a way to take them all on some adventure like that.

Knitting continues to get me through a lot, but I lost it very suddenly tonight. I'm over it now and tomorrow is another day.

Love, elly