shame

It was a better day, so far, and I'm determined that even though it's still been far from ideal, it will end on a better note than the last few have.

I have tossed the remains of the nutella, which I only had in the house for the kids nutella cookie sandwiches, and the remains of a pound of butter and several other items which I can't handle right now. I have not totally abandoned hope that I may be more stable again some day, but until that day comes, they will not be in my house. If it doesn't ever feel secure, I'm pretty sure the kids will still want to visit!

I have laughed a few times today thinking about my request that you not judge me, as I'm sure it was obvious to all of you that the only judge was sitting right here. Regardless, I appreciate your tolerance. It truly does help me to let go of the shame.

I have been certain that everyone can see the 10 lbs that I gained, and I am mortified. Who did I think I was, offering help to others when I can't keep my own shit together?? Going to orientation meetings and accepting their appreciation?? Well, I can honestly still say, at least I can today, that I was the perfect person to talk to them, and if I have another opportunity, I will shamelessly go again.

I'm not sleeping well, I'm still recovering from surgery, I'm still adjusting to living alone, I'm worried about finances for the future, I'm retaining some fluid (I never did do well in the heat, and it's already hot!) and I know all of those things are contributing to my relapse. Blogging earlier when I can, limiting access to certain foods, napping, rereading clinic notes, calling others for support, practicing patience, continuing in the pool, and walking when I can will all contribute to restoring my balance.

I did the best I could today, and that's good enough!

Thanks, elly

"There is always the need to carry on." Marjory Stoneman Douglas